


Five times Elder McKinley found Elder Price out of bed after lights out and one time he didn’t need to

by oui_oui_mon_ami



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: 5+1 Things, Coming Out, Disney Movies, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, not graphic but it's there, this is so tropey guys i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 16:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18370097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oui_oui_mon_ami/pseuds/oui_oui_mon_ami
Summary: Sometimes breaking the rules isn't so bad.





	Five times Elder McKinley found Elder Price out of bed after lights out and one time he didn’t need to

**Author's Note:**

> tw for a panic attack and references to canon sexual assault in part 3 
> 
> also mckinley is based wholly off stevie webb bc i saw him in bom a few days ago and got to meet him (and save him from an argument with a woman who was convinced that rory o'malley wasn't the original bway mckinley lmaooo) and my inspiration for this fandom has v much returned (with perfect timing considering i have a big coursework essay to write and soooo much revision to do hahaha)

1

Kevin nods his head along to the music as he watches the Fairy Godmother turn a pumpkin into a carriage and mice into horses on the small, grainy television in the mission hut’s living room. The overhead light is off and the sound is low so that the other Elders (could they even call themselves Elders anymore? Kevin isn’t sure) won’t wake up. Nabulungi had found the VHS tape at the market and bought it for Kevin, remembering that he loved anything Disney-related. It was a very kind gesture, and Kevin had made a mental note not to complain too much about her and Arnold’s tendency for PDA during the day. Sure, Rule 72 isn’t so strictly enforced now and Kevin doesn’t have to be subject to his best friend and his girlfriend being all lovey-dovey all the time, but it isn’t like Kevin is particularly good friends with the other Elders. They didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, and although Kevin had thought he was a people person prior to coming to Uganda, he’s finding making new friends rather difficult while he’s here. One of the many things about himself he’s had to question in recent weeks.

Still, Disney is, as always, as good an escape as any, and Kevin feels more and more at ease as Cinderella gets whisked off to the ball.

“Elder Price?”

Kevin turns around to see Elder McKinley standing at the doorway to the living quarters. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I just came to get a glass of water. What are you doing up this late? It’s against the rules to be out of bed after ten thirty, especially without your mission companion.”

Kevin smiles wryly. “I could ask you the same thing. Why are you awake?”

Elder McKinley shrugs. “I had the hell dream and needed some air.” He says it so casually, as if he hadn’t just woken up from a terrifying nightmare. Kevin wonders how often he has it to be so used to it.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I don’t want to be any trouble,” Elder McKinley says breezily, crossing to the kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water. “What are you watching?”

Kevin frowns at the obvious deflection. “ _Cinderella_ ,” he replies. “Want to join?”

“It’s one in the morning, and we have a long day of work ahead of us. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Come on, Elder McKinley, it’s Disney. And what’s one late night out of months of decent nights’ sleep? Live a little.”

Elder McKinley laughs, a short, shocked laugh that takes them both by surprise. “Live a little? Hilarious coming from the Super-Mormon,” he whispers as if to compensate for the volume a second ago.

The nickname still stings a little, but Kevin ignores it and pouts. “Please stay. Just until you’ve finished your water?”

Elder McKinley frowns at him for a few seconds before sighing and perching on the chair in the living room, back straight, both feet flat on the floor, perfect posture but still looking like he could bolt at any moment. Kevin wishes that he could do something to get his District Leader to relax a bit.

“This is my favourite bit,” Elder McKinley says softly. Cinderella is dancing with Prince Charming and singing.

“I always found this bit boring,” Kevin says.

“That’s exactly why I like it. It’s one of the only parts of the film that isn’t loud and over the top. It’s calm and quiet, and that’s how most people realise their feelings. They come at you at unexpected times and you just have to go _oh_ and deal with them quietly. Most love stories don’t begin how they’re normally shown in the movies, they start like this.”

Kevin frowns. He wonders how many times Elder McKinley has been faced with that realisation. He remembers him telling Arnold and him about what happened when he was ten, about Steve Blade and the fantasies, and how he had to ‘turn it off’. Kevin guesses that’s what Elder McKinley meant by ‘dealing with feelings quietly’.

“I never would’ve taken you for a romantic,” Kevin says. “You know you don’t have to deal with your feelings like that anymore. Arnold forbade ‘turning it off’, remember?”

Elder McKinley smiles sadly. “I remember.”

They sit in silence for a while and watch Cinderella flee the ball. Suddenly Elder McKinley stands up and takes his empty glass to the sink. “I think I’ll head back to bed. You should too, Elder Price.”

“Kevin.”

“Pardon?”

“Call me Kevin. Since we’re breaking so many rules already, we may as well do it on first name terms.”

Elder McKinley looks at him with something akin to fondness – but that must just be the low light. “Kevin. Okay, well in that case I’m Connor. Connor McKinley.” He extends his hand awkwardly and Kevin shakes it, grinning.

“Goodnight, Connor.”

“Goodnight, Kevin.”

 

2

Connor is in his office, trying desperately to make these numbers add up but his calculator ran out of battery two hours ago and he never learned how to do long division. He wants to bang his head on the wall or let out a good loud moan but it’s two in the morning and everyone else is asleep.

He sighs and decides to call it a night. He can buy some more batteries at the market tomorrow or get Elder Thomas to do the math for him. There’s no need to panic.

Then he hears something crash.

He’s out of the office in a flash and in the living quarters when he sees Elder Price – Kevin – in the kitchen, picking up pieces of broken china and muttering expletives under his breath. Connor raises an eyebrow at the language but decides to ignore it. “Kevin, are you okay?”

Kevin shoots up in surprise, which makes him knock his head on the counter, and now he’s dropped all the china pieces he was holding, and is that blood?

Connor crosses to the kitchen quickly, stepping carefully to avoid the broken china on the floor, and takes the first aid kit out of a cupboard. Kevin is still cursing like a sailor and Connor has to grab both of his shoulders in order for him to stop. “Kevin. Look at me.”

Kevin’s eyes slowly focus on Connor’s face. “Elder McKinley? Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry if I woke you, I’ll get this cleaned up no problem-”

“Hey, I don’t care about the mug. For the moment,” he adds. “Let’s get you cleaned up first.”

Kevin’s confused for a moment before his eyes find the cut on his palm. “Oh,” he says, as if he hadn’t noticed it before.

Connor guides him to a stool and then begins to clean the wound with an antiseptic cloth. Kevin winces and attempts to pull his hand away, but Connor holds him gently but firmly and rubs his thumb over Kevin’s pulse point as he wipes the blood away with the other hand. “Why are you awake?” Connor asks, breaking the silence.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Kevin mumbles.

“Oh?” Connor says, hoping Kevin will elaborate. A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say, and as District Leader he ought to know about whatever’s bothering his fellow missionaries. Because it’s his duty, not because seeing Kevin like this makes his chest ache.

“I just… it’s stupid really, but I was just thinking too much.”

“It’s not stupid, Kevin. I overthink all the time.”

“But I was thinking about the Church, the real Mormon Church, and everything they’ve taught us ever since we were kids. And I was always told that if I believed wholeheartedly, even in the things that don’t make any sense, Heavenly Father would grant me whatever I wanted. But now I know that’s not true, and Heavenly Father doesn’t answer prayers, so… I’m rambling, I’m sorry.” Kevin stares at the ground.

“Don’t apologise.” Connor starts to bandage Kevin’s hand. “You’re questioning your faith.”

Kevin nods. “And- and that sucks, because if I stop believing, I’ll lose everything I’ve ever worked for. But…” Kevin chokes back a sob. He’s still looking down. “I don’t think I can continue believing anymore.”

Connor ties the bandage and then pulls Kevin into a hug. The height difference means that Kevin’s left quietly crying into Connor’s shoulder, but still he seems so much smaller than he normally is. “Hey, Kevin, it’s okay, you’ll be okay,” Connor coos, knowing full well that those words probably aren’t doing much good. He tries a different direction. “If you want to leave the Church, I will be here to support you as your District Leader and as your friend.” Kevin pulls back at that, staring at Connor with wide eyes, and Connor thinks that Kevin hadn’t thought that they were friends, which makes something inside him break a little. “And I know that most, if not all, the others will be behind you too. Our mission isn’t really about religion anymore, anyway. It’s about finding other ways to help people.”

Kevin nods and wipes his eyes. “I think I snotted on your shirt,” he says eloquently.

Connor wrinkles his nose instinctively, but shrugs. “It needs a wash anyway.”

Kevin laughs wetly. “Thanks, Connor.”

Connor smiles, looking down to find their hands intertwined. Instead of yanking his back as if he’d just been burned, like he would have done before, he gives Kevin’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Everything will turn out okay eventually,” he says, although he doesn’t think either of them believe that.

He wants to do more, he so wants to be able to fix the cracks in Kevin Price. But how does one fix a broken man when you’re just as broken as he is?

 

3

Kevin bolts awake in a cold sweat, panting. The room is dark, almost pitch black, and although Kevin can hear his mission companion’s snores next to him, he can’t shake the feeling of that… place off of him, with its dirt and pain and the laughter of those men-

Air. He needs fresh air.

He rolls out of bed and stumbles out of the room, barely making it down the hallway because he feels like he’s suffocating, and even the living quarters are too small right now.

He makes it outside and slumps on the front step. The air is still hot out here – why is everywhere so hot? – and he’s still got the dust from the ground all over him and the jeering of those men and he still can’t breathe and he’s going to die never having done anything incredible, he’s going to die a failure and there’s still dirt everywhere and he can’t breathe-

He doesn’t hear the door open.

“Kevin? Now this is definitely breaking- oh gosh, are you okay?”

Kevin lets out a sob in reply. Of course he’s woken up Connor. As if this wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Connor sits down on the step next to Kevin. “Am I allowed to touch you?”

Kevin shakes his head so vigorously he thinks he may throw up.

“Okay. That’s fine. Can you look at me?”

Kevin does, blinking away the tears that have gathered, stinging his eyes. There is definite worry on Connor’s face, more so than he’s ever seen before, which makes him want to cry even more because he’s the source of that worry.

“I’m going to do some breathing exercises, okay? Do you think you can do them at the same time as me?”

Kevin nods slowly, and tries to copy Connor as he breathes in for four seconds, out for four, and then for six, and then for eight- but his chest is still tight, and before he knows it he’s gasping for breath again.

Connor instinctively puts a hand on his knee, which makes Kevin flinch back. “Oh gosh, sorry,” he says, quickly withdrawing his hand, but Kevin grabs it again, suddenly craving that contact. Connor’s hand is warm, but the good kind of warm, like an oven when it’s filled with cookies, not like the air.

“Kevin? Look at me.”

He does.

“Let’s try something different. Can you help me name all the US states?”

Kevin clears his throat, still hiccupping. His mind is still cloudy. His voice comes out hoarse, and he gasps a bit more.

Connor squeezes his hand gently. “I’ll start. I’m from Colorado. What state are you from?”

Kevin clears his throat again. “Utah,” he whispers.

“Hey, they’re pretty close! We’re practically neighbours!” Connor exclaims, which makes Kevin laugh a little. “And look, we’ve got two states already. Forty eight to go!”

So they keep listing off states, counting on their free hands, and it must take them a couple of hours to get the last few (they forgot Rhode Island). By the time they’re done, Kevin has calmed down pretty much completely and they’re still holding hands. They sit in silence, looking at the stars. One of the things he likes about Uganda is that the stars are so bright: he can barely see them in Salt Lake City, even on a clear night.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Kevin turns his head. Connor is looking at him, that worried expression returning to his face. He turns back to look at the stars. “I’d rather not.”

He can see Connor nod and turn away. “Well, if you ever do, and I hope you do, one day, you’re always welcome to talk to me. You know that, right?”

Kevin doesn’t reply. Connor knows he knows. He’s told more to Connor than he has to anyone else except Arnold. He could trust Connor with his life. Which scares him, a lot, because he’s never let anyone in that far.

“The stars are pretty tonight,” Connor says.

“I was sexually assaulted.”

The words are out before Kevin realises what he’s done, and in his peripheral vision he can see Connor’s head snap to him so quickly he thinks he’ll get whiplash. “ _What_?” Connor whispers.

Kevin ducks his head. He doesn’t want to meet Connor’s eyes. “After you found me at the bus stop. I ran to General – Elder – BFN’s camp to try and convert him. Stupid idea, I know. I just thought that could be my something incredible. No violence, just talking and teaching and saving lives. But when I started preaching he took my book and… and…” the tears are coming back now and he doesn’t want to remember it again-

Connor squeezes his hand to get his attention. Kevin finally looks up and sees Connor with an indescribable mix of shock, anger, worry and fear on his face. “Kevin, I’m so sorry,” he says. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed you away the moment Elder Cunningham started showing some promise. It was irresponsible of me as a District Leader and a real jerk move as a person. Especially after you’d had the hell dream. Gosh, Kevin-” Connor pulls Kevin to him, and Kevin complies, ending up with his shoulder pressed somewhat awkwardly to Connor’s chest. Connor lowers his head so his face is in Kevin’s hair, which he hasn’t washed in a couple of days so that can’t be a good experience. Kevin thinks that Connor’s crying softly. Anyone walking by the mission hut right now would think that they were in love.

Which they’re not.

“Connor, it’s okay,” Kevin says softly, and he’s lying because he knows he’s not okay, and neither is Connor. “Thank you for being here with me,” he says. Connor wraps his arms around him even tighter.

 

4

To say that Connor is stressed would be an understatement.

To say that Connor is overwhelmed because he’s been so distracted by Kevin Price’s smile and now he has a mountain of paperwork to do and several letters and reports that need to be written and sent tomorrow or else the funding will stop and he wants to throw himself out of the tiny window in his office, now _that_ would be more accurate.

It’s half past two in the morning and he feels like he’s hit a brick wall. His brain just cannot form words anymore and everything he’s written is swimming on the pages. He can’t go on.

But then he has an idea.

Thank Heavenly Father for Kevin Price and his caffeine addiction.

He sneaks into the living quarters and switches on the kitchen light to search for the jar of coffee he knows Kevin keeps on the top shelf, out of sight of everyone else, especially Connor. He has to climb on the counter to reach it, and that’s when he hears someone else in the room.

“Con?”

“Shoot, Kevin, did I wake you?” he asks, not quite sure what to do with his arm, which was still in the cupboard.

“Yeah, but I fell asleep on the couch so I was kind of asking for it.”

“Why were you sleeping on the couch?”

“Arnold was snoring really loudly and I had some… things to think through.” Connor could swear Kevin was blushing. “And I just… passed out.”

“I’m so sorry I woke you up,” Connor says. “I, uh, decided to do some late-night cleaning.”

Kevin raises an eyebrow. “And you’re starting with the cupboard I usually keep my coffee in?” he asks.

“Um, well, yes.”

Kevin snorts. “You’re a terrible liar, Con. I moved it because I knew Poptarts had told you about it. But now you’re finally succumbing to the gifts of caffeine?” He takes the jar out of another cupboard. “This calls for a celebration.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “For your information, I was only making coffee because I have a lot of paperwork to do. A District Leader’s work is never through, after all.”

Kevin’s smile falls. “Why didn’t you tell us? We could have helped. We know how grumpy you get after pulling all-nighters.”

“Thanks,” Connor says sarcastically. “But I prefer to do it all myself. That way I can make sure it’s all done properly.”

“You don’t trust us?”

Connor winces, realising how he’d sounded. “No I do, I just… I have very high expectations.”

Kevin nods sagely. “I know what that’s like. But a good leader should delegate, and as your friend, I am making a very strong suggestion that you appoint me as your assistant for tonight.”

“I can handle it myself, and you really ought to go back to sleep.” Connor knows he’s lying about being able to handle everything, but he really doesn’t want to burden Kevin with his mistakes. And he wants to make sure everything is perfect, and the only way he can do that is by doing everything by himself. He doesn’t need help. He’s fine.

Maybe if he says that enough times he can convince himself that it’s true.

Kevin stands in the way when Connor moves to leave the kitchen. “Nope. I am going to help you, and you’re not going to tell me otherwise. You look exhausted, do you really think you can get all your work done to the standard you want by yourself when you’re this tired?”

Connor concedes that Kevin is, unfortunately, making some sense. “Fine. You can start by making us some darn coffee,” he says, returning to his office.

A couple of minutes later, Kevin enters the office, holding two mugs of steaming coffee. “It’s hot,” he points out.

“Thanks,” Connor says, sincerely this time. He hopes Kevin’s right about the magical rejuvenating powers of caffeine because he really is flagging. “The letters have to be done by me, but you can proofread the ones I’ve already written, make sure my exhausted brain is making sense. And then could you fill out these forms? Ask me if there’s anything you’re not sure about.”

“Okay!” Kevin says brightly, flashing Connor a perfect Mormon smile. Which usually means he knows what he’s doing, thank goodness. Connor realises with a pang of sadness that Kevin’s probably been preparing for years to become a District Leader when the time comes.

The office is the smallest room in the mission hut, barely big enough for one person, so Connor and Kevin are practically on each other’s laps, Kevin’s long legs knocking against Connor’s every so often. The coffee tastes disgusting but Connor downs it anyway, and thankfully it wakes him up a little. They stay in the office until just before dawn, and Connor asks Kevin about the best way to phrase a sentence, and Kevin asks Connor about certain statistics or what he meant when he wrote this paragraph, and they work well enough together that they get everything done early enough to watch the sun rise. They stand on the front step as the sky turns red and Connor is feeling brave so he grabs Kevin’s hand. He feels Kevin tense, surprised, for a second before relaxing. Connor looks up at him and he meets his gaze, smiling with a softness and fondness Connor didn’t think was possible with Kevin a few weeks ago.

A lot can change in a few weeks.

Connor has gone from anxious, almost friendless, and so far in the closet he was basically having tea with Aslan to slightly less anxious, slightly less friendless, and out of the closet just enough to be holding hands at sunrise with a boy he could imagine spending his life with.

Wait, _what_?

 

5

Kevin loves his mission companion. He wouldn’t trade him for the world. Not anymore, at any rate. Arnold is sweet, and kind, and adorably enthusiastic about science fiction and fantasy and Nabulungi. Arnold accepted Kevin when he told him, the morning after he had stayed up to have a long, hard think about his feelings and ended up watching the sunrise with Connor, that he was gay and falling hard for their District Leader. Arnold has stuck by him no matter what.

Kevin loves his mission companion, but _boy_ is his snoring loud.

He ends up giving up all hopes of getting to sleep in his bed and brings his blanket into the living room, wrapping it around himself as he settles himself on the couch with a book. It was a book that Arnold had recommended to him, about elves and magic and short, hairy creatures who Arnold said had British accents. Kevin was dubious at first but now, three hours into his reading session, he cannot put the book down. His eyes may be stinging and the words may be swimming a little on the pages, but that doesn’t stop Kevin from reading chapter after chapter, and he doesn’t even feel guilty about admitting that it’s infinitely more interesting than the Book of Mormon.

He’s so absorbed in the book that he doesn’t hear someone else entering the living quarters. Not until he hears an achingly familiar voice softly call his name.

He looks up to see Connor standing in the doorway. Does he somehow know whenever Kevin’s out of bed after lights out or does he wake up every night to check whether he’s breaking the rules again? He opens his mouth to ask Connor this question when he notices how worse for wear Connor looks. The District Leader is hugging himself, looking smaller than ever, and there are dark rings under his eyes. And he looks pale – paler than usual, at least. Kevin untangles himself from his blanket and slowly walks towards Connor, like one would approach a wild animal without spooking it. “Connor, are you okay?”

Connor visibly hesitates before replying in a whisper, “Yes, I’m fine. I was just getting a glass of water. And I wanted to thank you again, for the other night. You really saved my life.” He laughs quietly, nervously.

“So you waited until fuck-knows-when in the morning, hoped I’d be up and in the living room and then got up just so that you could thank me? Which you’ve already done before, like, three times?”

Connor ducks his head. He really is a terrible liar.

Kevin gently places his hands on Connor’s shoulders and bends down a little so that he can look properly into Connor’s eyes. His wide, deep green eyes, so dark they’re almost brown, the colour of a forest in summer back home. “Con?” he says, softly but firmly. “Are you _really_ okay?”

“No,” Connor says flatly, and then his expression crumbles and he starts sobbing. Kevin quickly pulls him into a hug, and they stand there for several minutes, Connor crying into his chest. Eventually Connor pulls back, sniffling. “I snotted on your shirt,” he says, smiling weakly up at Kevin.

Kevin laughs. “I’ll consider it payback. You want to sit? I’ll make us some tea.”

Kevin goes to the kitchen and switches the old, battered kettle on as Connor sits down on the couch and wraps himself in Kevin’s blanket. Kevin tries not to think about how cute Connor looks _in his blanket_. He guesses that this is probably the equivalent of seeing one’s significant other in one’s own sweater.

Except it’s _not_ , because he and Connor aren’t dating.

As always, supplies are short in Kitguli, and the only tea they have is some old English breakfast tea bags, which they have to have black because there’s barely enough milk in the tiny fridge for Church’s cereal in the morning. Kevin makes a mental note to add milk to the shopping list pinned to the notice board. He uses one teabag between the two of them because he’s learned not to waste things, despite the fact that the tea will be weak and probably gross. He brings the tea over the couch and sits next to Connor. Connor drapes the blanket over him. It’s not really made for two people, so they have to sit close together, Connor leaning into Kevin’s side. Not that Kevin minds.

“Talk to me?” Kevin asks.

“I don’t want to trouble you,” Connor says.

“Con, the other night I told you about something that was troubling me, something really bad, remember? And that was because you asked me to. Now I’m asking you.”

“But it’s my duty as District Leader to listen to-”

“So you listened because it was your duty? ‘Cause I thought I was trusting you with that information because you cared about me. As a friend,” Kevin says, perhaps a little too sharply.

But Connor doesn’t flinch away like Kevin expected. Instead he looks up at Kevin, his mouth pressed into a firm line. “Why can’t I do both? I have a duty, yes, but I do care about you, Kevin. You’re one of my closest friends.”

“And you’re one of mine,” Kevin replies, wrapping one of his arms around Connor’s shoulders. “So let me help. _Please_.”

Connor is silent for a moment. He sips his tea. “This tea is gross,” he says.

“Connor.”

“I don’t even know how to explain it.”

“Just tell me what you’re feeling.”

They’re both staring at the blank television screen. Their eyes meet briefly in the reflection, but Connor quickly looks away. “I feel conflicted,” he says simply.

“About?”

Connor draws his knees up to his chest, making himself even smaller. “I know we’re not supposed to be ‘turning it off’ anymore…”

“Con…” Kevin starts.

“No, I know what you’re going to say, and no, I’m not going back into the closet. It’s just… I feel like I’ve got one foot out of the closet, and I want to come out fully, but…” he shrugs, “it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

“You’ve been repressing your feelings for so long, of course it’s going to be hard to come out. You don’t need to force yourself to come out before you’re ready to.” Okay, so Kevin may have spent a little time on Arnold’s secret iPod on the internet looking up ‘things to say to a friend in the closet’ one night a couple of weeks ago.

“But I want to come out, I really do, I want… I want to be _happy_.” And that makes Kevin’s heart break because Connor always seems so optimistic with a smile brighter than any of the others’ (although he notices that it rarely reaches his eyes) and yet there’s so much sadness in him. “But every time I feel like I could really, truly be myself, be… all those negative thoughts come back, and my parents, and the therapy, and, and…” Kevin can feel Connor shaking. “And the hell dreams haven’t even stopped.”

“You get them… every night?”

Connor nods. “I thought, once I stopped turning my… _y’know_ , thoughts off, they might get better, or stop completely, but they aren’t. And I don’t know what to do.” He lets out a sob.

Neither does Kevin. And that terrifies him. “We’ll work through this together, okay?” he says. “Does Poptarts know about this?”

“He knows about the hell dreams. He doesn’t know about the… other stuff. Could we keep that between you and me? For now?”

Kevin frowns, wondering how he managed to earn the privilege of knowing more about Connor than his mission companion. “Okay,” he says. “Are you worried about your parents?”

Connor looks down. “Well, considering they disowned me after the whole Mission President fiasco, there’s not much worse I could do in their eyes.”

Kevin looks at Connor. “What?”

“It’s okay. I’m staying with Poptarts and his family when we get back to the States, just until I can get back on my feet.” He shrugs. “It’s not like I could go back to them anyway, what with the whole… _gay_ thing.” He struggles with the word, like it’s too big to fit in his mouth.

“Con, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“No, I am. I’m sorry that you had to go through all that trauma when you were young. I’m sorry that your parents won’t accept who you are. I’m sorry that you have to be leader, teacher, counsellor, doctor, who knows what else to a bunch of boys when you’re barely an adult yourself. I’m sorry that you feel like you can’t tell anyone about your problems because you want to be strong in front of the others. And I’m so, so sorry that you’re not happy.”

Connor looks up at Kevin, a smile ghosting his face. “Thank you. You… I never expected I’d be pouring my heart out to you when I first met you.”

Kevin grimaces. “I was an asshole those first few days, wasn’t I?”

“A bit,” Connor replies. “But you’ve changed so much. You’re amazing, Kevin Price.”

Kevin beams. One thing hasn’t changed about him, and that’s his thirst for praise. “I think you’re pretty amazing too, Connor McKinley,” he says, pressing a kiss into Connor’s messy blond hair.

“Okay, I’m going to bed,” Connor says, gently removing himself from Kevin’s embrace. Kevin immediately misses Connor’s warmth. Good warmth. “Are you going to stay out here?”

Kevin nods. “It’s quieter here than in my room.” Connor raises a questioning eyebrow. “Arnold,” he explains. He picks up the mugs. “I’ll take care of these, then I’ll sleep. I promise.”

“Are you sure you can handle those mugs?” Connor asks, and Kevin can see the mischievous smirk on his face even in the low light. “I distinctly remember an incident involving one mug, so two, Kev? Risky.”

It’s the first time Connor’s called Kevin by a nickname, even though he’s had one for a couple of weeks now. It makes Kevin feel warm inside.

(Which is extremely cliché.)

He rolls his eyes.  “You’re a jerk,” he says, rinsing the mugs out (and being a little more careful with them than he normally would, but Connor doesn’t need to know about that).

He can hear Connor move towards the hallway. “But I’m your jerk,” he retorts.

Kevin laughs. This is the kind of banter that he loves. This friendly back-and-forth is the sort of thing he can imagine doing in the early hours of the morning in the kitchen of his own apartment with someone he really loves. Like Connor.

And when thoughts like that come into one’s head, any concept of a verbal filter tends to fly out the window.

“I love you.”

Kevin stops, dropping the mug in the sink (it doesn’t smash this time). He really hopes he didn’t say that out loud, but by the feeling of Connor’s eyes boring through him, he can tell that he did.

“You _what_?”

“Nothing,” Kevin says, his voice conveniently coming out an octave higher than usual.

“Kevin Price, did you just say what I think you just said?” Connor’s voice is shaking now – Kevin can tell he’s nervous, scared even. He can’t blame him. He turns around slowly, meeting Connor’s gaze as calmly as he can. “You love me?” Connor’s voice is a whisper, barely audible across the living quarters.

Kevin nods.

“If you’re joking, if you’re making fun of me, I will actually kill you.”

“I’m not joking, and I would never make fun of you. Not like that anyway.”

“But I… you… but you’re not…”

“I didn’t think so either. I didn’t realise I was until the other night.”

“When we…”

“Yeah. When you found me on the couch? I’d fallen asleep after having a minor sexuality crisis.”

“And now… you’re…”

Kevin shrugs. “Gay? Yeah, pretty much.”

“Are you- are you okay… with, y’know…?”

“I think so. I mean, I spent my whole life thinking I was straight because I hadn’t really thought about attraction, like, at all. I was so focused on my studying and my vow of chastity that dating, relationships… they never fit into the equation. I kind of thought that my lack of attraction to girls meant that I was being a good Mormon kid. And then when I stopped believing so hard, I started thinking about _other things_ , which led to developing a crush, um, on you, which I realised just like you said, like in _Cinderella_ , quietly with just an ‘Oh! Okay’ and I mean I’ve always been a little sceptical about the Church’s rule against gay people, but now I figure it’s total bullshit, y’know? What’s so bad about loving someone who happens to be the same sex as you? Especially when that person’s helped you through _a lot_. So I guess it’s a lot less complicated for me… and I realise that I’ve been talking a really long time and I haven’t let you finish a sentence in even longer. I’m sorry. I’ll stop now.”

Connor looks just about ready to bolt, which Kevin really hopes doesn’t happen. “Uh…” he says articulately. Kevin thinks this is the second time he’s ever seen Connor speechless (the first being just after the villagers’ play, which is understandable), and it is starting to freak him out a little.

“Say something, Con. Please. Don’t run away.”

Somehow that makes Connor snap out of it, and he turns into full District Leader Mode. He walks up to Kevin calmly and takes his hands, although Kevin can feel that Connor’s hands are shaking. Badly. “I’m sorry. That’s just… a lot to take in. I thought you were straight, I never thought you’d have feelings for me. I don’t know, in the future we could do something about this, when I’m in the right place to…” He sighs, looking determinedly into Kevin’s eyes. “I really care about you, Kevin. And I think, I think I feel the same way. I’m just not ready to… there’s still a lot I need to work out. Gosh, that really makes me a jerk, doesn’t it?”

Kevin squeezes his hands. “No, it doesn’t. I understand. And I’ll wait forever and a day for you if you want me to.”

Connor smiles up at him and pulls him into a hug. “You’re making it very hard for me,” he says into Kevin’s chest.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

+1

Kevin is humming to himself as he dries the dishes. Connor stands next to him, washing them and making a pile of wet ones on the side. Most of the other Elders have retired to bed, and the last few, Elders Thomas, Church and Michaels, are packing up their card game as the sun sets. Connor has always been on dish duty (he likes the dishes as clean as possible, and also he learned quickly that he cannot cook to save his life so switched all his cooking duties for cleaning ones) and he’s always done it alone until a few nights ago, after he and Kevin had spent all night working together, when Kevin stayed behind after dinner and picked up a dishcloth. “My research has proved we’re a pretty good team,” he had explained simply. After that it became routine for them, and Connor couldn’t help but imagine a time and place where they could do this every night, where they weren’t also cleaning up after eight more boys.

“You missed a spot,” Kevin says, pointing at a baked-on piece of rice on the bottom of the plate. “You’re losing your touch, District Leader.”

Instead of replying, Connor takes the dish and picks off the rice.

“You’re quiet, tonight,” Kevin says.

Connor hands back the plate and starts scrubbing at another one. He’s quiet because he actually enjoys the silences he shares with Kevin. And he’s had a lot on his mind recently, with the funding requests being approved and his… feelings.

“Con?”

Connor looks up to see Kevin starting to look worried. “Yeah, I’m fine. Truthfully. Just thinking.”

“Not overthinking?”

“Not any more than usual.”

Kevin huffs a laugh. “Hey, I found a copy of _The Little Mermaid_ at the market this morning. Do you want to stay up and watch it tonight?”

Connor had told Kevin that _The Little Mermaid_ was his favourite animated Disney film (his favourite Disney film of all time was _Newsies_ , followed closely by _Enchanted_ and _High School Musical_ ), and he was chuffed that Kevin had remembered. “That _is_ against the rules, Kev,” he teases anyway.

Kevin loops the dishcloth around the back of Connor’s neck and draws their faces close. “We both know the rules have pretty much been tossed out the window. By me especially.” He’s grinning, but there’s a nervousness in his eyes. Connor wonders if it’s because he’s afraid of him rejecting his invitation, or afraid of the closeness of their lips. If Connor leaned just a few centimetres forward…

He clears his throat and ducks under the dishcloth, back to the sink. “A movie night would be great, actually,” he says, “and the timing couldn’t be better: I don’t have any work that needs doing tonight.”

Kevin turns to him quickly. “The funding got approved?”

Connor grins, nodding. “Surprise. All made possible because of you.”

Kevin’s beaming. A genuine, joyful smile, not that fake, Mission-Training-Centre-Approved one he still uses every so often as a shield. Kevin’s genuine smile is beautiful. “Connor, that’s brilliant! We can help loads more people now!” His eyes go wide suddenly. “I know exactly how we can celebrate.” He bends down and opens a cupboard under the sink, rummaging around for a moment. “Aha!” He pulls out a half-full bottle of whiskey.

Connor almost chokes on air. “Kevin Price! Now this, this is definitely against the rules! Not to mention illegal! I cannot permit alcohol in my mission hut!”

“Connor, calm down,” Kevin says, hands on Connor’s shoulders. “There isn’t a legal drinking age on private property in Uganda, so we’re fine. And I think we’ve already established that I no longer care about Mormon rules.”

Technically, Kevin’s right. And it’s not like Connor can stop him if he wants to drink: if there’s one thing he’s learned about Kevin, it’s that he is stubborn. And besides, he’s in the process of breaking one of the biggest rules in the book, so he can’t really talk.

They finish the dishes and Kevin sets the movie up as Connor pours him a glass of whiskey. He hesitates for a moment before thinking _what the hell?_ and pouring himself a glass too. He brings them over and Kevin raises an eyebrow at Connor’s glass but doesn’t comment, instead offering his glass. “Cheers,” he says.

“Cheers.” Connor echoes. The alcohol burns his throat and he wants to gag, but he takes another sip.

They watch the first part of the film in silence. They’re both sat on the sofa, Connor’s head on Kevin’s shoulder, and Connor can’t help but remember back to the first time he found Kevin in the living room, watching _Cinderella_. He had sat, uncomfortably and just out of politeness, on the living room chair for about five minutes before retreating to his room. And now look at him.

He find’s Kevin’s hand between them and takes it.

“I didn’t have a hell dream last night,” he says.

He feels Kevin turn his head to look at him. “Really?”

Connor hums an affirmative.

“That’s really good.”

“Yeah.”

They fall back into comfortable silence. Prince Eric is taking Ariel sightseeing. “Favourite Disney prince?” Kevin asks.

“Flynn Rider,” Connor replies after a moment. “He’s suave, daring, he actually has a good character arc-”

“He’s hot?”

Connor flushes. “Well, I don’t tend to go for CGI characters, but… yeah. A little.”

“For me, Prince Eric has to be up there, though. I mean he literally impales the villain with a ship. How badass is that? Barely any of the other princes directly kill the villain, especially not with that level of drama.”

Kevin’s nearly finished with his second glass of whiskey, and Connor can tell it’s starting to affect him. “Not even Prince Phillip? From _Sleeping Beauty_? He kills Maleficent.”

“By stabbing her with a sword. Too conventional. Also I never understood why he didn’t talk in the second half of the film. I mean he’s the first prince to have an actual character, have _agency_ , and then, suddenly, he’s obeying orders from fairies, without even asking what the heck is going on?”

“And there’s also the fact that he kisses a sleeping woman that he met, like, once in real life, which is kind of creepy.” Connor thinks for a moment. “What about Li Shang?”

“Oh, _yes_. Bisexual icon and bonus points for getting shirtless.”

They go back to watching the film in silence, still holding hands. After a while, _Kiss the Girl_ is about to start, and Connor can feel his heart hammering inside his chest.

“Kev?” he says softly.

“Mm?”

“I’m gay.”

It’s out. Only to one person, who already knew, but it still feels like Connor can finally breathe fresh air.

There’s a beat of silence. Connor can feel Kevin’s eyes on him. “Well, considering we just had a conversation about the hottest Disney princes, I can’t say I’m surprised,” Kevin replies. Connor laughs, smacking his arm playfully. “Okay but seriously, I’m proud of you, Con. Thank you for telling me.”

Connor squeezes his hand in response.

“Kev?”

“Yeah?”

He lifts his head off Kevin’s shoulder so that he can look at him. “I also think that I could… if you still want to, I mean, I don’t want to pressure you into anything, especially when you’ve been so understanding with me, but… I’m not making any sense,” he whines.

Kevin gently lifts Connor’s chin so that Connor has to look into his eyes. Their faces are only a few inches apart. “Con?”

“Yes?”

“Stop overthinking. You know how I feel. Just say what’s in your head.”

And as Connor stares at Kevin, what’s in his head is surprisingly simple.

“I love you.”

Kevin’s eyes get impossibly wide then, and after a second’s shock he pulls Connor towards him, stopping when they’re close enough for their noses to bump together. “Can I?” Kevin whispers.

Connor surprises himself, answering that by closing the gap himself.

It’s Connor’s first kiss, which means that his technique is terrible, and their noses are kind of squished and he’s not entirely sure if he’s pursing his lips correctly or whether he should be pursing his lips at all. But Kevin makes a surprised noise in the back of his throat and now he’s kissing back and being gay can’t be wrong because this is the best Connor’s ever felt. Connor pushes into it more and tries licking into Kevin’s mouth, and Kevin falls backwards so that Connor’s lying on top of him and _moans_ , which must mean that he’s doing something right. And Connor can’t believe that he’s making out to a Disney song, let alone a Disney song about kissing, but this is apparently his life.

Kevin breaks the kiss first, but they end up with their foreheads touching as they catch their breath. “Was that okay?”

Connor nods, not trusting himself to speak but hoping Kevin can see the enthusiasm on his face.

Kevin kisses him again, quickly. “I love you so much, Connor McKinley.”

Connor pulls him in for another kiss, but he’s smiling too much so the kiss is all teeth. Kevin laughs softly against Connor’s lips, which arouses him more than he expects.

They didn’t pay much attention to the film after that.

***

Chris has always been an early riser, and even with the relaxed timetable the other Elders have been adopting, it’s a difficult habit to get out of when your mission companion is still rising at exactly six thirty every morning.

So even when he wakes up of his own accord – after the second night in a row of uninterrupted sleep! – it’s well before the others. Connor isn’t in his bed, and Chris doesn’t even think he came to bed last night. He decides to get some breakfast.

But when he enters the living quarters, he immediately understands why Connor didn’t return to his room. He’s lying on top of Elder Price, half-naked, legs tangled together and hair messed up, snoring ever-so-quietly.

Chris smiles to himself before getting a Pop-Tart.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment for my undying love
> 
> tumblr: sunshine-soprano


End file.
